Last year in November marked five years in business and you know what? I refused to celebrate, hell I didn't even acknowledge it.
Now five years is a long time in business - for anything in these days we live in.
So why didn't I celebrate? Why wasn't I having a party? Throwing confetti in the air and yelling wahoo?
Because I felt, no I honestly believed, I hadn't been successful so there was absolutely no way I was going to celebrate. I considered myself a failure.
At the start of my business
The goals I had set, those dreams I had pictured hadn't happened. And even smaller steps/achievements didn't seem good enough and had been completely buried under the weight of failure.
Up until I started my business I have to admit things were easy. My mum had always told me I could do anything I wanted. So I made up my mind on what I wanted and and then worked out the steps I needed to do to get there. And it worked EVERY SINGLE TIME!
So I had not reason or expectation to think it would be any different in business. Oh my lord was I in for a MASSIVE shock!
I mean everyone would just know how fabulous and amazing I was right? I'd be a success in six months, maybe a year at a push....
I think that's why it's still hard to say I've been in business for five years.
I went in with such unrealistic expectations when plans or investments didn't achieve what I thought the self doubt started to GROW and GROW.
Suddenly I was second and third guessing myself - sometimes it got so bad I was so paralysed I would scroll FB newsfeed and check out women like me and wonder what they had that I didn't.
What did they know that I didn't?
What was I missing?
Did I need to buy a new program or invest in a high priced coach?
Did I need to change everything about me to be successful?
So I would stay in the same spot - not putting myself out there and not creating.
Until I realised there was no money coming in because I hadn't been doing anything except for comparing myself to others and feeling even more miserable.
So what was the change? The birth of my third daughter in early 2016. I had pushed and tried to hustle (I hate that word but it's the right word for the way I was feeling) for six months with the big plan to put away enough money to support our family and so hubby could be home with us for a few months at least.
Our third daughter xoxo
Being in that negative space didn't do anything for me or the business - in fact in that time span I worked hard and pushed more than ever and you know how many clients/dollars I received - NONE! Absolutely none.
By the time the baby arrived I was exhausted and heartbroken. I decided I needed to let go and enjoy the baby for the time being.
I gave myself permission to simply be and not constantly scramble to work. And seriously we needed me to get back to making the business work but I had nothing to give and had to take some time to heal. The baby was amazing and so was having hubby move to a local job.
The thought of giving up the business entirely was simply unacceptable - I did border on applying for uni (again) and interviewed for a job but my HEART kept screaming "no don't you do it Gemma, somehow we know this will work xoxo"
So I let everything sit and a lot of lessons I had picked up (but not been ready to learn) started to fall into place.
Slowly I am starting to emerge and show up as me... to know I wouldn't be perfect, to accept I wasn't going to be popular with everyone. Bloody scary right?
This is me
It's all those sayings you hear people trot out but until you feel them deep within they're just WORDS.
I decided to LET GO. I can't control everything, in fact I could only control what I did and how I acted. I don't know any more what will happen.
The woo woo side of me is getting released a bit by bit.
While I used to be a rule follower - now I know I HAVE to do what feels right for me. And those rules, my rules, are the only ones that matter.
I always say to people how important it is we stay with a consistent message - one that really aligns with who we are. I'm finally learning it for myself.
And it feels so much EASIER.